Lauser Law
828-A Main Street
Martinez, CA 94553
925-372-5449
lauserlaw@gmail.com
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What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence
and emotional abuse
are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other.
Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian;
living together, separated or dating. Violence can be criminal and includes
physical assault such as hitting, pushing, shoving, etc. Sexual abuse
including unwanted or forced sexual activity, and stalking are also forms of
domestic violence. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuses
are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal
violence.
If you are
being abused, get help. You can take the first step by calling this number:
1-800-799-SAFE
Some examples
of emotional abuse are:
-
Disrespect, attacks on
your self-esteem.
The person may call you derogatory names; criticize the way you look and
what you do in a destructive way. They make you feel that you can't do
anything right. When something goes worong they make you feel as if it
is your fault. They yell at you, make humiliating embarrassing or
belittling remarks in front of others. They erupt into tirades or
violent fits of screaming anger.
-
Pressure, manipulation
and control.
The abuse refuses to listen or take anything you have to say seriously.
They twist what you say and turn it around against you; they tell you
what to do, trying to make you feel bad or wrong if you don't do what
they say. They "pout" if you do not do what they want and they "know
what's best for you" thereby replacing your judgment with theirs.
-
Economic control and
isolation.
They refuse to let you work or undermines or interferes with your work
(this is often subtle or overt); they refuse to let you go to school or
start a career; they control the money, refusing to give you any; they
take you car or car keys preventing you from getting around; they
control your time and who you spend time with, telling you who you can
see and where you can and cannot go, making you account for your time.
-
Harassment,
repetition, hounding.
They make uninvited visits or calls; they refuse to leave when you ask
them to; they follow you they embarrass you in public.
Often these
examples of emotional abuse lead to physical abuse. The following behaviors
may be leading up to physical abuse:
-
Physical menacing or
intimidation:
Making angry or
threatening gestures; towering over you in a menacing way; standing in
the doorway or cornering you during an argument, thereby blocking your
escape; driving recklessly while you are in the car; throwing or
breaking things, punching walls or kicking doors.
-
Threats:
They threaten
you or your family. These threats must be taken seriously
-
Pushing and shoving:
Pushing and
shoving: This is the beginning of more direct physical violence. During
this phase, the abuse is testing the limits. If this phase is tolerated
the violence will escalate.
-
Sexual pressure or
assaults:
The abuser
forces you to perform sexual acts that that you feel are degrading;
forcing you to have sex when you don't want to.
The Cycle of
Domestic Violence
In the book
The Battered Woman,
Dr. Lenore E. Walker identified cycles in abuse and violence is the domestic
setting. The three phases in the cycle are:
1.
The build up:
This is when you
know trouble is brewing. You feel as if you are walking on eggs. Tension is
escalating
2.
The blow up:
This is the peak of
violence. This can be a tirade, throwing things, or a physical attack.
3.
Remorse and contrition:
Now that the attack
has taken place the abuse is sorry for what they have done. They apologize,
promise to never do it again, promise to change. Often the abuser will give
gifts, being charming, charismatic or persuasive
The Safety Plan
Once you recognize
the problem and realize that there is a need for change in your life, you
must determine whether or not your safety is at risk as you attempt to
exercise your right to live free of fear, violence, and intimidation.
Keep in mind
that if you decide to leave your home to protect yourself from physical
harm, your husband may view your leaving as betrayal or rejection. He may
become even more violent as a result. That is why you need to develop your
safety plan with outside counsel and guidance. You may even need the help
and protection of the police. Do not make your plans alone. Your safety is
the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe:
Decide how you would get out
You may end up
in a situation where you must get out in a hurry. Doing the folowig will
help you if you need to make that quick or unexpected exit:
-
Decide on a
pathway if you have to leave at night. Think of public places you can
access 24 hours a day. Know the route to police stations, hospitals,
fire stations, and 24-hour convenience stores in your area.
-
If you leave by
car, make sure you lock the car doors immediately.
-
Consider making
a plan for each room in your home. What can you do to get out of the
basement or upper floors of your home?
-
Know which
doors lock in your home.
-
If you live in
an apartment building, think of all the ways to get out safely. Is there
a fire escape that could get you safely to the ground? Is there a
stairwell you could use?
-
If you don't
have a car, think of a safe place, close to your home, where your friend
could pick you up. Also, know the routes to the subway, bus stop, and
train station nearest to your home
Communicate with someone who can help and decide where you would go
This may be
difficult especially if your partner has isolated you; however, it is
important to confide in a domestic violence advocate or hotline counselor
who has been trained to help you.
-
An advocate or
domestic violence hotline counselor can help you figure out which
friends and relatives might be able to help you.
-
An advocate or
hotline counselor can help you figure out alternatives if you have to
leave at a time when your friend is not available.
-
You may want to
plan a code word or phrase to use on the telephone with a friend if you
need to access help when your abuser is present. Tell your friend that
when you say " " it means you're in trouble and you need them to dial
911 for you.
-
If you feel
comfortable, tell your neighbors about the violence and ask if they will
call the police if suspicious noises are coming from your home
Important Documents and Other Necessities
Keep important
documents together in a safe place - a domestic violence hotline counselor
or advocate can help you decide where. These documents and other necessities
could include:
-
Order of
Protection
-
ATM card
-
money/ cab fare
-
check book
-
credit card
-
passport
-
green card
-
work permit
-
welfare ID
-
coins to use in
a payphone or cell phone
-
driver's
license & registration
-
social security
card
-
your partner's
social security number
-
medical records
-
address book
-
insurance
policies
-
important legal
documents
-
police records
-
record of
violence
-
baby's things
(diapers, formula, medication)
-
children's
school and immunization records
-
birth
certificates
-
medications
-
clothing
-
eye glasses
-
lease
-
pictures
-
anything of
sentimental value
-
non-perishable
snacks for children (e.g. juice and crackers)
Memorize or keep a listing of important telephone numbers:
Leave a written
set of important phone numbers with a friend or in a secure place that you
will be able to access. The list might include numbers for a shelter,
domestic violence counselors, your children's school, your friends and/or
relatives, people you can call and places you can go in an emergency
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